Too quiet.

Yesterday was Danny's first day at the Montessori preschool. He woke me up at 5:00 am, "Mom, wake up. I go to school." I knew it was futile to try to get him to go back to bed, just to wake him up in an hour. We had to be at his doctor's for his immunizations at 8:00 am and then preschool began at 9:00 am.

He was very brave, not crying- only scrunching up his face while he received 4 immunization shots. He exclaimed, "Owww," each time but still sat there for the next without fighting. A proud mama moment. We left the doctor's at 8:50 am, just enough time to get to preschool at precisely 9:00 am.

Excitedly, Danny was full of energy as I signed him in and took care of a little paperwork and then we walked back to his room. I watched as one of the directors talked to Danny about the rules and what is expected of him. My heart sank as I realized, I was actually dropping my child off in someone else's care. Danny gave me a hug, kiss and said, "Bye bye Mommy, I luv you." It took everything in me not to pick him up and walk out with him.

Camille was cheerful as we left, I was in tears. She asked me why I was crying...I told her that I cried when I used to drop her off too. Camille had attended daycare and preschool as well. Honestly, I thought I was past putting my children into the care of someone I don't know well. There is absolutely no reason not to trust them and I'm not saying that I don't, it's just not what I thought I would do.

I spent yesterday (Mon.) in a depressed state, the quietness around the house, the blaring obvious fact that I could keep the house clean now for more than 20 minutes. My baby wasn't there. Camille loved it and saw nothing wrong with it. "Mom, he's doing his thing, we're doing our thing and then we'll be together. I think it's nice not to be interrupted 100 million times a day." She was right but time marched on slowly.

I braced myself for his absolute enthusiasm when I picked him up. I knew he had a terrific day in the new environment, I chatted with his teacher and laid it out for her. "He'll be homeschooled next year for kindergarten, so I'm hoping this experience will prepare him for lessons at home. No pressure or anything (smile) but he's here to get what I cannot provide without pulling my hair out...predictable structure, constant activity for his age and ability and conformity. I want him to be able to focus on a task for 15 minutes at least by the end of this year." She laughed and said, "No pressure? I'm sure we'll be able to accomplish that and more." She was very nice and had the temperament I often wish I had with Danny, the nice but firm.

I know deep down I have failed my child, I am undisciplined and could do better to balance preschool and 3rd grade studies, "if only I..." ran through my head a lot yesterday. The problem is, I try to be an all or nothing type person- if I cannot give 100% is it really worth doing? It seems that no matter what I did, keep Danny at home and continue to do preschool for 30-40 minutes a day and then focus on Camille's studies...I was still losing with Danny. He is perpetual motion and if I couldn't focus on him, I felt he was getting lost at home. I don't want him watching tv and I was turning it on everyday for him to just sit still and be occupied.

I know this Montessori preschool is going to be what he needs right now. I just hate that I cannot provide that for him, I feel like I have failed but I also feel like I have done the right thing by letting go for just a little while so he can get what I feel I'm lacking. It's a huge emotional mess.

Now, I'm working on embracing the situation on my end, making the time count while he's gone and getting used to the stillness of the house. Yesterday was a rough day, I think today will be better.