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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Who are you people?

Do you ever look at your in-laws and your spouse and think, "how in the world did I think getting married and joining this family was going to be a GOOD idea?"

My mil has stage 4 lung cancer with no timeframe because she didn't want to know. I don't know what I would do, I guess I'd want to know but I understand her not wanting to. My fil was uptight and hovering over her every minute, dh was trying to "entertain" us and Danny is being two and a half years old. Camille was wonderful, albeit ignored- (unspoken gripe).

The three of them, dh, mil and fil, like to talk incessantly- mostly about nothing important and have arguments about who remembers something correctly or whose opinion is best. Throw in some unsolicted parenting pointers, moans and groans about Danny's behavior although he hadn't taken a nap in 3 days, and you've got me playing nanny moreso than being a member of the family. FIL and MIL have spoiled and indulged Danny since he was born but if they're tired, wooo baby the 2 year old is now "unruly and acting like a brat". I lasted 24 hours.

A hotel room with a 2 year old, 6 year old, 35 year old is not a good idea. The 6 year old kicks violently in her sleep, I found out. The 2 year old doesn't like it when his Daddy takes his pillow so Danny whopped him one in his sleep. (he, he, he) The worst part of the trip is I realized dh is going to take out ALL of his anger about his mom on me. There were times when I HAD TO walk away. DH was left with Danny 2x while I walked away- I later heard about it. "You could have taken Danny, you know I'm trying to spend time with my mom." (another unspoken gripe)

There is just SO MUCH I want to say about this trip but I will call my mom. I swallowed a lot for 24 hours, including sitting in a vehicle driving 45 minutes looking for a restaurant because when I offered directions to go in the opposite direction and go to a restaurant 15 min down the road- it was too difficult. Then I sat for the entire 45 minutes listening to, "I hope we find a restaurant soon." 45 minutes vs. 15 minutes, hmmmm.

I didn't get to see much, I was the nanny. I did take a "walk" in the butterfly house and I'll post some pictures tomorrow. Danny decided to take a swim in one of the waterfalls within the butterfly house and get bitten by a parrot. Of course 4 hours later, I was told this was all my fault. URGH. Grace, Jessica show grace. This is going to be a very difficult season, I can tell. : )



Anonymous said...

Oh dear,
This has nothing to do with your awful trip, but I thought you might like this website I found; - MIT has put a huge number of their course listings on line with books, lectures, etc.

crystal said...

Oh, when I said "have fun" that is not what I had in mind! You poor girl! I have a few of those same "unspoken gripes" too and I know JUST WHAT THEY ARE! You're ability to walk away makes you a better woman than me! Another time I wished I lived across the street! Hang in there!

Maureen said...

I'm praying you are still going to St. Simon's Island for your retreat!!!!!

(forgive the displaced emotions in the midst of this stressful time, but be sure to address the issue when the time is right) Been there!

Sandie said...

Just letting you know you (and the whole family) are in our thoughts and prayers.

mommybee said...

I am so sorry for you. I can totally relate. I guess there isn't much else to say other than what you already said "grace" is all you can try for. My MIL did die rather quickly and then I realized how sad it was for the kids not to have their nana. I tell you though we never really did bond, even at the end. But that story it just way too long! I will also keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

{Oh, Jessica} On Monday you sounded so excited to visit Callaway, I'm sorry the IL ruined it. But your butterfly pics are gorgeous! And in IMHO, the Danny-in-the-fountain story is one to be treasured, no blame assigned!

Linda J.

Anonymous said...

Jessica, this is said in love: Your post comes across as sounding quite bitter. It is hard to deal with difficult people in our lives, but we must try our best to do so with love. I just think about how I would feel if I was either your husband or one of your in-laws and I read this post. I think they would be hurt by your comments. I'm not trying to criticize you. I hope understand.

Trivium Academy said...

Yes I understand it comes across as bitter. Too often I am not allowed to express myself or I hold back from expressing myself in the sometimes sinful ways I know that are wrong.

My angst toward this trip had many layers, the constant "do what I want" and "don't make things unpleasant" is sometimes just too much to handle when a young child who throws temper tantrums is involved. Honestly, I feel very helpless in this whole situation. There's nothing I can do to prevent temper tantrums when my efforts are thwarted by those that want the results of my efforts but not the course of action I have to take to achieve the results.

If any member of my family reads this, I'm fine with it. I love my inlaws very much and I appreciate them ten-fold, which has a lot to do with the bitterness. I know what they want, but unless they allow me to parent- I cannot do what they want.

And of course, I do have a touch of bitterness that I'll be losing my mil sooner than any of us would like. There is a lot of fear unexpressed, frustration that no one can do anything and more emotions than one can express properly.

I do not indulge in much angst on my blog, but I needed to get it out after spending the time with them biting my tongue. I know you mean well and I understand what you're saying. I'm a "get it out there and let's deal with it" person while they are "if we don't talk about it, everything's fine" type. Maybe they will read it, or maybe it just doesn't matter in the scheme of things when the big picture is that I'm dealing with losing a loved one and trying to be pleasant "in person" as much as I can.

I've been in prayer about this because it's easier to be upset or angry, even bitter than it is to be constantly in grief or worry.

: ) Jessica

Trivium Academy said...

I also want to add, that IF they read it- maybe they will understand the constant pressure I feel from them to make things "perfect" for them all the time, that I'm dealing not just with the desires of mil and fil but my dh and my children as well and when they all want something different from me and "right now!" - I can't handle it all with the grace that the situation calls for.

Silence is a good friend but only for so long.