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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Confessions

I'm posting this in a moment of overwhelmed weakness. Overwhelmed. Did you know whelm is a word? Whoever uses it? It means to submerge under water or to overwhelm. Responsibility is whelming me. Lol. I know I'm allowing it to, and I make it worse with procrastination. Tasks seems piled up around me and they are never-ending.

The thing is, I know I'm not the only person in this world that has more than their fair share of responsibilities to handle each day. I have a blessed life, a very blessed life. I don't have to struggle in the work force to please others or to meet quotas of any kind. Most of my goals are self-imposed, most of my workload is what everyone has to do to maintain a home.

Honestly, I think having dh out of commission due to back surgery/pain is taking its toll. I often feel utterly alone in the household/family responsibilities and thus overwhelmed. Right now I know the kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped, as do the bathroom floors. I have a load of laundry to do today, my desk is cluttered (bad habit of mine), the garage has items to go to Goodwill and trash to be hauled away with which I don't have a truck to do it with but don't want to bother anyone else. The house needs dusting, lessons need to be done, Jack needs to go to the vet, Danny needs to go to the doctor for immunizations and a check-up, I haven't changed my name on my social security card yet and it's been 6 years since we got married. Yup.

The yard needs to be mowed, and I find myself coming up short each and every day because..taa daaaa I'm overwhelmed and then I procrastinate. I've also been going 100 miles an hour for the last 3 months with this move and although I've taken time off and I've gotten a lot of things done, I still feel like I'm climbing uphill everyday.

I'm waking up at 6 am and going to bed between 10-11 pm. I have exactly 1-2 hours to myself a day and that's it and most of that is spent watching tv at night or reading a book. What kills my spirit is that it is now 8:30 am and although the kids and I have given Jack a bath, I've ran the dishwasher, taken a shower and fed the kids- my dh is still in bed. He'll wake up and tell me how much pain he's in and I will say I'm sorry. He'll go to his office for a few hours and then come home, again telling me that he's in pain or relay the events of his day. I want so much not to resent him for his pain! This is where I feel I'm failing the most, my heart is aching so much for myself and my current circumstances that I feel my heart has hardened towards him.

He went to a new doctor this week who told him that his previous surgery was performed incorrectly without seeing his records or anything, just based on dh's condition. The Dr. said that dh shouldn't be in pain anymore and there are other physical attributes that are suspect of a surgery performed wrongly. I don't know if this means another surgery or what. I'm sure it does. The health care costs of all of this is weighing heavily upon us, which is another thing I stress about as the one who takes care of the finances.

I feel very much like David in Psalm 38

Psalm 38
1 A psalm of David. A petition.O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 2 For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me. 3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin. 4 My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.5 My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly. 6 I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. 7 My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. 8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.

9
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. 10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. 11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbours stay far away. 12 Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception. 13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; 14 I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.

15 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. 16 For I said, Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips. 17 For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. 18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin. 19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous. 20 Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good. 21 O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. 22 Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Saviour

I know there are other families who have worse circumstances, their bread-winner has just been laid off or their house is being foreclosed. There are families who are struggling to put food on the table and both parents are working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I have no right to complain, fuss or otherwise feel downtrodden. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our bodies, food to eat and many blessings in our lives. In writing this post I've gone from feeling down to feeling positive, I know the Lord will not forsake me, I know He's not far from me. So today I will lean on Him.

 

20 comments:

momtofivekids said...

I can relate. My dh has major back issues also. He has not been able to work for some time now. But I have 3 older boys that can help with going to the dump, giving the dog a bath, mowing the lawn etc. But I see that your children are still young. Allow them to help you as much as they can. God is there. Rest in Him, pray to Him continually and be thankful for all your blessings. Don't be too hard on yourself. I prayed for you. :)

Susan Sophia said...

You are not alone!
Thank you for your honesty and openness. For your willingness to share.
I feel like you have just described ME. I am perpetually overwhelmed and it is precisely the cause of the procrastination which only piles things up more in turn making me even more overwhelmed. It's a vicious cycle.
It's such a breath of fresh air, though, to know others out their struggle the same way. I'm not alone. I'm not crazy and different.
This is one of the reasons I'm such a huge proponent of "community". Living in small communities purposely. Having a group of people that live near each other, help each other, grow together, lean on each other. In the olden days you had whole extensions of family that lived WITH you. The women helped each other.
We, in our society, have isolated ourselves so much that we don't even know our neighbors first name let alone feeling comfortable calling for help.

I'm rambling, please forgive me.

Just know you aren't alone.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
As I sit here overwhelmed, making my to-do list.
Please pray for me.

In Christ,
SusanSophia

Dawn said...

So sorry, Jessica. Praying that He does come quickly to help you and overwhelms you with His love and mercy.

~Dawn

Teacher of One said...

I know you don't want to ask but couldn't some men form you new congregation mow and transport things for you? I am sure they would be pleased to help.

prayers,
Christie

Elizabeth Potts Weinstein said...

Be kind to yourself!

Don't worry about comparing yourself to others who are worse ... be kind & forgiving to yourself. That's the only way you will be able to be kind & forgiving to others.

All those misc things (taking stuff to charity, having a clean house) are really not important right now. Just take care of yourself, take care of your family, and you will catch up on everything else when this back pain situation begins to resolve itself. Only do what must be done to keep everyone fed & bathed.

My DH has been living with back pain for over a year, and refused to go to the doctor until his pain ruined our vacation and we had to come home early (him in bed for 2 weeks). Now with medication & exercise he's turned it around ... and also decided to make other changes, that I can't share on a blog comment right now. :) Course he still does not take out the trash. :)

God bless!

~ Elizabeth

Kimberly said...

Hi Jessica!
I am a first time visitor to your site. What a great site! We are starting homeschooling in Sept for our 5 year old boy. I am in the process of planning our year (on my blog, too!)

I am so sorry to hear about your dh and the extra stress you have. I will be praying for your family! God is so faithful -- My husband struggles with clinical depression, so I can somewhat relate to the weight on your shoulders.

Anonymous said...

...Praying for you as I know this can be a difficult time. I have a close friend whose husband has not been able to work in years because of severe back pain and she basically is the mover and shaker of the family. Sometimes it is very difficult for her, and at others, it has been a blessing because she has seen God's hand in her life at every turn.

Do the next thing. There is so much to do right now, but this is the best advice a very dear friend of mine gave me when I felt overhwhelmed and it was simply to do the next thing. It actually worked.

If you look at all you have to do it will seem endless, but if you just do the next thing and praise God as you are doing it, before you know it will be done and get done.

I pray for strength for you and stamina do be able to do all that you must do and always remember that the Holy Spirit is with you as you do all of your tasks.

You are more than a conquerer in Christ!!! And you can do anything because He became your strength, He is your strength.

Much Agape Love,

Dee in Sunny FL!

mom24 said...

There seems to be a lot of these burdens going around right now. I know that posting always seems to help me cope too so I'm glad that you were able to get your thoughts out.
The Psalm is beautiful and appropriate for where you are - it is encouraging for me too. The Lord WILL answer - He is always faithful to do so. I have been quite 'whelmed' with school prep and irritated at dh in general (and he doesn't even have back pain!) recently. God was good to bring me back to Him and meet my needs. He didn't change my circumstances - just my heart.

I know that your burden feels so heavy right now, but remember that you don't have to carry it! Just deal with today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Don't forget to ask for help, not just from the Lord but those in your church family as well.

Blessings & Hugs as well,
Andrea

p.s. You are NOT alone!

Anonymous said...

Jessica please don't take this the wrong way....but maybe you need to find things that are stealing your "time" maybe browing the net and keeping your blog could be time wasters.....

Kysha said...

Totally agree with my friend, momtofivekids. Just peeking in but praying for you and your dh, Jessica.

Trivium Academy said...

Dear Anonymous,
I spend less time online now than I ever have since starting to research homeschooling. The reason I haven't posted any pictures is because it is time-consuming: taking the photos, uploading them, optimizing and saving them for uploading. Uploading them to photobucket and then the blog.

I'm not even spending that much time online! I'm only online now to get directions to the place we're going tomorrow for a field trip.

Raani said...

With back pain there's always the possibility of an addiction to pain pills...

Jennifer said...

I can feel your pain as I have been, and still am in a way, in the same boat. DH has had back problems since I've known him. Three days before I gave birth to number three, it went out on him. The doctor told him he wouldn't be able to help me in labor and delivery. (Not that he was ever much help anyway.) And as for feeling like you never get anything accomplished because the chaos keeps you from being productive, I am so there with you too. DH thinks I just don't do anything all day because the floor that was swept and cleaned in the morning is dirty again by the time her gets home. The floor that was cleared of toys while the baby napped is cluttered with toys again when he comes home. Ours is a never ending battle. Someone told me once that this is a season. The seasons will change after a while. Maybe you need to allow yourself to let certain things go for a season. After all, our mothers didn't homeschool us and have us underfoot and making messes all day long. We were in school so they could get things done.
Blessings,
Jennifer

Shannon said...

Dear Jessica,

I just want you to know that you are in my prayers. It is tough to be the superwomen we sometimes are expected to be. Please try to take some time for yourself. Maybe, a massage (you definitely sound tense)? Maybe, just coffee alone with a girlfriend. Maybe, easing up with studies just a bit to get through this time. I seem to remember your schedule was quite tight...and all while trying to organize a new and smaller home. It is A LOT to adjust to. I hope this period passes soon.

Rhonda said...

Jessica: I am sorry you're going through this right now. Hopefully this is something that will pass quickly. You are an inspiration and help to others and I pray that you will be abundantly blessed today.
~Have a blessed day.
~Rhonda

Jules said...

Jessica, yes, other people have problems, too. But that does not make yours any less important or any less real. You are dealing with huge things. Moving, an essentially disabled husband, and home schooling are all huge things. And medical expenses are not trivial. The Lord is with you, but you can still have tough times. And it is ok to write about them and feel the pressure.

Dayle said...

Others have problems as well, but, that doesn't make yours less overwhelming. You've been through a lot this last month. You are an encouragement to a lot of people, and I'll be praying that you are encouraged as well.

Blessings to you and health to your dh.

LaMere Family said...

Praying for you and your dh
~Becky

my5wolfcubs said...

(((HUG))) I'm not reading your blog posts in order. You sure aren't online as much as you used to be...be it a "good" reason or not. I miss seeing your name!

I did chuckle at what you'd accomplished by 8:30 & before dh got up...that is our family too.

I'm glad you found a psalm that spoke your feelings and in reading it, I could really hear your voice. Keep hanging on to that last line "Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Saviour."

Your friend,
Lee

Blondie said...

I understand and I can empathize. My dh had total knee replacement in March and I wanted to feel badly for him, but I began to resent him. He slept all day for 3 weeks and fussed when he was awake. I got down on my knees and prayed for peace in my heart. I think you've been through a lot this past year, and you are truly a remarkable woman. You do a lot and people appreciate it.