I'm posting this in a moment of overwhelmed weakness. Overwhelmed. Did you know whelm is a word? Whoever uses it? It means to submerge under water or to overwhelm. Responsibility is whelming me. Lol. I know I'm allowing it to, and I make it worse with procrastination. Tasks seems piled up around me and they are never-ending.
The thing is, I know I'm not the only person in this world that has more than their fair share of responsibilities to handle each day. I have a blessed life, a very blessed life. I don't have to struggle in the work force to please others or to meet quotas of any kind. Most of my goals are self-imposed, most of my workload is what everyone has to do to maintain a home.
Honestly, I think having dh out of commission due to back surgery/pain is taking its toll. I often feel utterly alone in the household/family responsibilities and thus overwhelmed. Right now I know the kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped, as do the bathroom floors. I have a load of laundry to do today, my desk is cluttered (bad habit of mine), the garage has items to go to Goodwill and trash to be hauled away with which I don't have a truck to do it with but don't want to bother anyone else. The house needs dusting, lessons need to be done, Jack needs to go to the vet, Danny needs to go to the doctor for immunizations and a check-up, I haven't changed my name on my social security card yet and it's been 6 years since we got married. Yup.
The yard needs to be mowed, and I find myself coming up short each and every day because..taa daaaa I'm overwhelmed and then I procrastinate. I've also been going 100 miles an hour for the last 3 months with this move and although I've taken time off and I've gotten a lot of things done, I still feel like I'm climbing uphill everyday.
I'm waking up at 6 am and going to bed between 10-11 pm. I have exactly 1-2 hours to myself a day and that's it and most of that is spent watching tv at night or reading a book. What kills my spirit is that it is now 8:30 am and although the kids and I have given Jack a bath, I've ran the dishwasher, taken a shower and fed the kids- my dh is still in bed. He'll wake up and tell me how much pain he's in and I will say I'm sorry. He'll go to his office for a few hours and then come home, again telling me that he's in pain or relay the events of his day. I want so much not to resent him for his pain! This is where I feel I'm failing the most, my heart is aching so much for myself and my current circumstances that I feel my heart has hardened towards him.
He went to a new doctor this week who told him that his previous surgery was performed incorrectly without seeing his records or anything, just based on dh's condition. The Dr. said that dh shouldn't be in pain anymore and there are other physical attributes that are suspect of a surgery performed wrongly. I don't know if this means another surgery or what. I'm sure it does. The health care costs of all of this is weighing heavily upon us, which is another thing I stress about as the one who takes care of the finances.
I feel very much like David in Psalm 38
1 A psalm of David. A petition.O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. 2 For your arrows have pierced me, and your hand has come down upon me. 3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin. 4 My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.5 My wounds fester and are loathsome because of my sinful folly. 6 I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. 7 My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. 8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.
9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. 10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes. 11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbours stay far away. 12 Those who seek my life set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they plot deception. 13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear, like a mute, who cannot open his mouth; 14 I have become like a man who does not hear, whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. 16 For I said, Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips. 17 For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. 18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin. 19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies; those who hate me without reason are numerous. 20 Those who repay my good with evil slander me when I pursue what is good. 21 O LORD, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. 22 Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Saviour
I know there are other families who have worse circumstances, their bread-winner has just been laid off or their house is being foreclosed. There are families who are struggling to put food on the table and both parents are working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I have no right to complain, fuss or otherwise feel downtrodden. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our bodies, food to eat and many blessings in our lives. In writing this post I've gone from feeling down to feeling positive, I know the Lord will not forsake me, I know He's not far from me. So today I will lean on Him.