Lately I've been in a planning, organizing state of mind. I have been decluttering our house, setting up household systems and preparing our 2nd grade year. I learned so much our first grade year and I realize the mistakes I made and now that I have a clearer vision of our goals, I've been trying to translate those goals into workable solutions for our family.
I've shared what I've done for our family, not to seek adulation or praise from others but just for the sake of sharing. It's my way of sharing our blessings, I don't create schedules, routines and all the things I've done for anyone else but for our family. So I feel very selfish when others praise me highly about what I've done and I don't feel worthy of such praise. In fact, I end up feeling down on myself because my purpose in sharing wasn't to receive kudos but to put it out there for others to use as they want. It's not that I don't appreciate the praise and feel humbled by it, I do- but I feel uncomfortable.
When I first started blogging I did seek the approval of others, I wanted to feel justified in the choices I was making for our children, so much so that it inflated my ego. I desired to be a Power Blogger, one that others said- "Hey, did you hear what Jessica over at Trivium Academy said about that, she's right." I think as people we want others respect and admire us and have a primal need for it but God changed my heart when I started blogging here at Blogger.
I share all this because I recently blasted a fellow homeschooler for asking a question on a message board. I didn't know why I did this until I prayed about it more. I've apologized to her but it still weighs on my heart so I'm offering my confession here. It had nothing to do with her or what she said in her post, I did it to sabotage myself. Unconsciously, I wanted others to stop praising me so I sabotaged myself. It worked, others board members appealed to me and some even shared their personal opinions about me and gave me the kick in the butt I did not realize I was asking for. I didn't realize all of this until I prayed about it and after I offered my apologies to the woman I offended.
Now that I realize why I did what I did, I have no idea what to do with this knowledge. I know I need to be come to terms with being complimented but I just don't know how to do that. I just don't know what to say when someone compliments me and I feel "thank you" is just so trite. Everything I did for God's glory, not mine so I feel uncomfortable when I get the credit.
I'm really not all that important, I'm just one woman trying to do her best with her children in order to honor God. Every original idea I have comes from God. It's for His glory, not mine. I'm out of words now, I've said my peace.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Comfort Zones & Humbleness
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7 comments:
Your first paragraph sums up my learning "EVERY" school year. The Lord is continually using each year to "train" me at the same time.
I don't think that "not sharing" is the answer. I firmly believe we all have gifts that God wants us to use to help others. We need to pray and study to figure out what those gifts are and how they should be used. You learn much from others just as you have much to offer others. You do have a gift of organization. You are great at pulling together resources into some semblance of structure. When you share that with others, they benfit and then are able to use their own gifts to pass it forward.
I did see the post and was quite surprised by your response. However, I truly believe that is not your heart. You do have a good heart. God wants you to share it and your gifts with others. We all do and say things that really are not reflective of who we are. Learning from these things does help us to grow. I am very impressed with you. By saying thanks for something you offered up, you don't really have to think about it for yourself. You can offer that up, right away, as a thanks to God for showing you this way to help someone else. But don't underestimate your own importance. You are a child of God, and that is of vital importance to Him. Be thankful and praise Him! And LOVE YOURSELF! I don't usually post to others. I really felt compelled to say these things to you. I, too, am struggling, searching, trying to do what I am supposed to. I just see how well you are using your God-given gifts, and don't wish you to doubt using them.
Peace and Love dear
Melissa
Hi Jessica.... Isn’t God good.... he corrects us when we need it... even when we don’t think we do.....He loves you and so do I my WTM K-8 Board friend!
You are a woman after Gods own heart and that does not come with out lesson/s. It is what shapes us, and gives us "true" knowledge and wisdom. Its not always pretty. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. You are loved…
I thank God for these lessons... even though I fall on my face.... it shapes me, molds me, and makes me more and more dependant on His wisdom not my own.... makes me want to be more like Jesus…. The desire grows…. Not sure how and why, but it does…. My security is in Him and Him alone…..
You have a gift Jessica.... you should keep sharing... keep on keeping on.... but now.... you have a heart knowledge to go with this experience and the head knowledge you posses…. It is a gift and gifts are not meant to be kept, but shared.
(((hugs))) to you....
Lisa~
this entire post seems like yet another attempt at getting attention and validation.
You share your resources and have a gift of organization and sincerely love your children and surely they will benefit from that. Others (including me) benefit from your resources.
I do not know what message board your issue was on but often it seems like you are vying for attention.
Dear anonymous,
I wonder, who you think I am vying for attention from? This is my little space to say whatever I would like, my blog is not in of itself a community of my peers. In fact, someone would have to purposely come here just to read my blog- so exactly how am I vying for attention?
This post wasn't for you, it was for me- to say what I needed to say and have closure about a situation. If I had wanted to have more attention I would have posted on the message board in question, not here.
Next time have the courage to own your words.
Jessica,
You don't know me, and I have only posted on the WTMBs several times, so I suppose I am officially a lurker. I've followed your posts via the WTMBs, and I've been reading your blog. I really enjoyed reading what you've written about homeschooling and home organization. It is always a good reminder for me (as a homeschooling mom and homemaker) to have somebody organized give me an example. I tend to be in the scatterbrained department at times, so your example is a help.
I don't really have much else to say, but I understand your struggles. Just don't forget that if you've repented for something--to God and to the offended party--then the sin is far as east is from west, throw into the depths of the sea, etc. You may have fully resolved this issue and moved on already, but I didn't want you to beat yourself up if you've done everything humanly possible to take care of the situation.
Keep writing about your homeschool experience. Post more often! I'd like to read more about your life in general. God has obviously given you an organizing talent, and with the diaspora-like conditions of many homeschoolers, the internet is a great means to congregate and glean from other's knowledge/experience. I've especially enjoyed your weblinks myself. So, keep using your talent so that others (like me) can benefit from your research!!
Thanks,
Erin
Hi Jessica,
Just wanted to let you know that the way you handled this situation was a blessing to me. My hope is that I would be so gracious as you were to publicly apologize for a mistake; you didn't ignore it or act like it was solely the other person's fault.
From my perspective, it was for God's glory. What a blessing you are to your family, too!
Thanks,
Karen K.
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