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Monday, February 22, 2010

The lies.

The amount of lies that I've had to sort through during this whole ordeal is mind-boggling. Especially coming from a pastor, his wife and the slanderous ways she talked about me with her mom and friends on a public forum. By the way, I'm just a 'bio' mom that was just a womb, I'm not a real mother. Very Christian.

Despite the fact that I haven't lied and do not lie and did not lie at any point during this whole situation- Danny's dad wanted to claim that I used sriracha hot sauce and gave Danny a whole teaspoon full, claiming that Danny said so. I tried to explain that Michael uses sriracha on his food and that he often has the bottle on the table at dinner but at no time did I ever use sriracha as punishment, that I used Texas Pete and ONLY two drops on a spoon that Danny put in his own mouth. He still contends that I used sriracha and even had his attorney challenge me on the stand to eat the amount that my ex claims I gave Danny (I told him I would if he required it). They (my ex and his wife) made Danny pick out hot sauces at a grocery store! Of course I can't say that Danny is mistaken about the hot sauce because then I'm telling my ex that Danny is a liar.

"to say otherwise is to call our son a liar.  Is that what you are doing, calling Danny a liar?  Yes, I did that and would not hesitate to do it again.  I want you to know that, so hopefully, that will keep Danny safe."
I do not recommend using hot sauce in any form, any amount as punishment for anything. In fact the only forms of discipline we use are time outs, loss of privileges and grounding. I will not allow any lack of communication and lack of involvement from the other co-parent damage our son in any way shape or form. I will continue to encourage a healthy relationship between Danny and his father. I will not put up with being mistreated or manipulated any more.

I've (and my attorney) uncovered more lies than I even anticipated I would. My ex lied on the witness stand so many times I stopped writing "not true" for my attorney and just kept circling the words. His father, another pastor, lied on the stand as well.

(Flashback 2009) I never did write about how I left him. My ex had two back surgeries within the last year of our marriage. He became dependent on the pain medicine and when his doctor cut him off, he started drinking up to four beers a night. For a normal person, that wouldn't be such a big deal although four beers is a lot in my opinion but he was self-proclaimed recovering alcoholic and attended Alcoholics Anonymous for years. Back when we were dating he said that I needed to attend Al-anon meetings just because I was dating him. When I realized he was drinking I became very concerned, especially since he is very verbally abusive as well. Not a good mix. I separated from him, moved him out of the master bedroom and into one of the other bedrooms in the parsonage we were living in. (The one we used for our schoolroom in fact.)

One day he was gone from the house but had left his computer on and his email logged in. I found an email from him to his younger brother asking for a quarter ounce. I was shocked and scared. I was working part-time at night so I could afford to leave him and I was very worried about the kids when I find an email where he's asking his brother for dope. I bought a digital recorder started recording conversations and I left the recorder on while I was at work so I could at least know what was happening while I was gone. I found his stash when I was cleaning the house one day, in a man's shaving kit in the hallway bathroom. I took pictures and found an attorney immediately. Not only was he using, he had brought it into the parsonage! I was trusting him to take care of the kids when I was at work!

For two weeks I took pictures until I could hire an attorney and get in front of a judge to get him removed from the house with an Ex Parte. It took me a week to get in front of a judge with an attorney whereas it took him hours to find a judge to do his bidding. I had to go to court, I didn't go to the judge's house and have papers signed outside of court.

Ex's wife wrote on her forum, "It was signed by the judge at his house, actually."

He denied the email he wrote to his brother, "that's not mine, I've never seen that before in my life," he testified. Then when my attorney showed him the pictures of the dope, he knew he had been caught, "yes that was mine." When my attorney asked where he got the dope from, he replied, "I plead the 5th."

Both my ex and his father (both pastors) testified that the district superintendent was the one who said for them to contact the judge on a Saturday. They accepted no personal responsibility for turning Danny's life upside down, it was the district superintendent's fault. What I would like to know is why the church is getting involved in such matters? Why does members of the ministry get access to public officials that the general public doesn't get access to? Just because you're a pastor, does that mean you're truthful? That you're not going to stretch the truth to suit your own selfish wants and desires?

Custody was not changed. Danny remains in my primary physical custody and continues to visit his dad every other weekend. The judge dismissed the petition, DSS has closed the case and life resumes. I continue to endure ex's rantings and lack of involvement in Danny's life. He interrogates Danny nightly about what is happening at our house. I'm in the process of trying to recoup the $4080.00 he owes me in back child support because he was supposed to pay for Danny's preschool year at the private school last year but refused to, court is next month.

This is the only area of my life that I have any strife. Camille has a wonderful supportive father and we co-parent Camille together. My husband Michael is fabulous, I couldn't ask for a better man, I can't say enough about him. He is my best friend, favorite companion and my Prince Charming. I have a wonderful job that I love and wonderful supportive friends. I have good solid relationships with my family, my husband's family and I am very grateful for all the blessings in my life. I would be more worried for Danny but he has strong, solid, good men in his life as father figures that teach by example as well as spend quality time with him. 

Writing about all this has been so healing. I didn't write about it for the longest time because I struggled with writing about someone else's sins. I didn't write about it because I didn't want my ex's actions to reflect upon the ministry as a whole. I didn't write about it because I was afraid of how he would use my words against me. I'm done being afraid. The truth is the truth is the truth. I've prayed for my ex and his new wife who is pregnant with their first child, I wish them happiness and health. I don't wish ill upon them at all although I may have been angry with them. I don't understand why things have to be so hard, I will continue to love and care for Danny with all my being and pray that he turns into a responsible loving man like my husband, Michael.

I will continue blogging at Our Blended Family. The chapter has closed on Trivium Academy and I'm leaving the blog up to be a resource for other homeschoolers. Thank you for reading. Murphy has left and life continues.

Co-Parenting Resources : Getting Free : Custody Battles




Michele said...

I will be following your new blog, but I am glad this one will stay up! :) Great Resource that you poured so much of yourself into!

Barbara said...

Blessings upon blessings to you and your family, Jessica. And that ol' peace that passes understanding :)

BarbaraL in OK

Dee said...

All I could say is, Wow! I am so thankful to the Lord that this chapter of your life is over and I pray for great things to come into your life right now!!!

Thank you for sharing your story...


Jennifer said...

What an awful ordeal to have to endure. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all of that, but I am happy that you now have the loving husband that you deserve. :)

I agree with the other comment that leaving this blog up as a resource is a great idea.

Jamie said...

How horrible! Thank God everything turned out well with the custody hearing. Blessings and happiness to you and your family.